Guest on the Earth
I'm a Guest and a Borrower
I grew up in a forest that's since been chopped down. Had a little cabin that's since been sold. Lived on the sea until she claimed the boat as her own. I wished to be cultured and rich so I could live in the city. I've been wandering the concrete jungle now, wishing I could return to what I had.
Where I’m at is harder to accept than where I want to be.
In Cambodia we had a saying
“Drop by drop, a bucket fills”
If I cannot find equanimity here,
Where my lines feel flat
And the trees are made of steel
Then I was never truly going to be happy.
I caught the flue today. Between fits of rest I found time to write about what I've been up to, though I have so little energy. When I was blogging about my bike trip around South America, I wrote a small passage every day - maybe a paragraph - to capture the magic. Even when I was dead tired and my (physical) batteries were running empty, I managed to get something on the page. I didn't do that this time; today its a cathartic good ol'fashion kind of entry. Web development's been going smooth, a Pico-8 console I'm programming in BASH and Python kind of works now. The fiery hell-breath of the sun let up a little, so I wandered about in the cool 33'C night air. I went down a huge rabbit hole about a neat server-side framework written in Forth called 1991.
But I want to write reflect on Dharma a bit today because the great waves of loss are pulling me hard from the shore right now.
The Jizo Bodhisattva
I recently finished reading this book about the Bodhisattva Kshitigarbha - also known as Jizo in the West and Japan (地藏). I have a mixed history when it comes to non-Theravada Buddhism sects. In my minds eye, I like to relate everything back to the teachings of the Elders. If it doesn't grok with the original sayings of The Buddha and his disciples I get a little weary and even judgemental. The book summed up how I try to feel about it really nicely: > Theravada is no better or worse than Mahayana; you can practice with whichever one your life needs at the present moment.
My practice likes to rotate in its scope: One time I will be serious into the original Pali Canon of Buddhist teachings. Another year I will be absolutely wrapped up in the spiritual experience. Another year I'll be spending less time on the cushion and more time exploring with my insight. Sometimes I'm just tripping over my feet and sheepishly looking up, dusting off, standing up again.... trip, look, dust, repeat. Like a wave, there is a rise, a fall, and a crash: repeat
I find a lot of comfort and resonance with the Jizo Bodhisatva, especially when we traveled Japan. Jizo is found at many crossroads, and is a patron saint of fortune while traveling. She is also the helper of children who've died. When our daughter died at 6 months, it was very hard for me to grasp the impermanence of her form. When I held her, her face looked so serious, like a Bodhisattva sent to us for a short time. Serious but serene. She paid a huge karmic debt to me, and I'm wondering what to do with it. I know that Jizo doesn't fall into the traditional Pali cannon, but I cannot help but be moved by the story of his selflessness:
I will not rest until all beings are enlightened."
I will save them from hells, even if they posses only a dust-mote of goodness."
With my daughter's passing, I'd no choice but to bear terrible and unbearable compassion. It broke my heart from stone into dust - leaving mutable clay behind. I learned how to cry again; something I couldn't do over anything since I was seven. It feels like part of my mission in life became a path back to the cushion or to learn selfless compassion for the suffering, like the Jizo is said to have done. Each loss I've had to be a pillar; as my dad and grandfather passed away this year too. The more I've supported the suffering, the more supported I've felt too - even when it's scary for me to open up.
A Year or Two in Iron Smog
This year, I am wondering if I should commit to making vows for my practice. This scares me too - as vows should be taken very seriously. There is a lot going on. We are trying for a child again (and overcoming the fear from our loss), I'm learning web development, and I've agreed to two more years in this city so I can train schools across the country in non-abusive cooperation with children and students. It doesn't entitle as much travel as I'd hope, but it does mean I'll get some days out of town. I'm also saving up all the money I can to migrate to New Zealand.
I live in China right now, if you didn't guess. I speak Chinese, and its been an enlightening decade, But I feel stuck now. Not being a Mainlander has its benefits but a lot of doors are closed to me. I'm not unhappy here, but I'm not content. When I lived on my bike, I loved being a part of the nature I was exploring. I want to be living alongside nature again. I'm most inspired on the road or with the trees and animals. There is no art here; not a lot of real art. It's impossible to have real expression in a place of such extreme censorship. There are no animals either. It's all people. All society. All the splendors of human commodification a click away.
Making Roads in Dense Jungle
Those are my weakest areas - people, society, commodity. I don't believe in a god that plays dice - so perhaps I am here now to find a path in this most dense jungle. Art permaculture, and permacomputing are important to me, contributing to the personal-internet is important to me too. I can work on the permacomputing and indie net stuff here. Art and writing are a big part of my life (I should link to my Inktober works). I'd like to clear all my big responsibilities and settle back into that part myself again.
A lot going on - when will I find the peace of mind to sit still? I don't know yet. When I'm ready. I guess I'm approaching that part of life: it's on the horizon - I can honor it in quiet moments.
Hmmm... I still have three books to edit and come up with a publishing plan for.... That will stay on the back-burner a little while longer.
I'm happy to write here, for nobody in particular.
With loving kindness, Daruma